Imagine a teacher asking a question to the class. One learner raises their hand to respond. Another learner loudly blurts out the answer before others have had time to think. What do these two responses have in common? They are both bids for attention. What’s the difference? One is considered desirable behavior and the other is not. 

Understanding Bids for Attention

So, what are bids for attention really telling us? Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship researcher who has conducted over 40 years of research with thousands of people. Dr. Gottman teaches us that a bid is an attempt to get attention, affection, or acceptance. Essentially, it’s a bid for connection and how we respond is critical. Dr. Gottman even calls these bids "sliding door" moments, the moments that build or erode trust. 

In these moments, it’s important to consider the context and individual needs of each learner when deciding how to respond to bids. We also need to be mindful of cultural differences in communication styles that can help us interpret and respond to bids more effectively, ensuring all learners feel understood and valued.

Dr. Gottman’s work reveals that there are three ways that we respond to a bid:

• Turning towards: acknowledging the bid
• Turning away: ignoring or missing the bid
• Turning against: rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way

Here is an example of how this could play out in response to a learner’s bid, "I don't understand how to solve this problem."

• Turning towards: "Let's look at it together. Please show me which part is confusing."
  
• Turning away: "Wait your turn. I’ll get to you when I can."
  
• Turning against: "I explained this earlier. You should have been listening."

Imagine being on the receiving end of the "turning against" or the "turning away" response. How would you feel? Think of the difference the "turning towards" can make. Maybe you don’t have to imagine because you’ve experienced similar situations at some point in your life.

As educators, we know that behavior is a form of communication and bids can be verbal or non-verbal. Some bids for attention will be welcome and others, not so much. As Dr. Aliza Pressman says, "All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not."

While it may seem daunting to respond to every bid for attention, even small, consistent responses like a smile, a nod, or a brief word of acknowledgment can have a significant impact. This upstream approach will lead to fewer behavior issues and foster a positive learning environment.

3 Ways to Cultivate a "Turn Towards" Culture

We don’t want to ignore bids and we also don’t want to reinforce disruptive or unhealthy behavior. So what can we, as educators, do?

Create Opportunities for Everyone to Make Connections

Whether we are the teacher in a classroom or leading our peers in a staff meeting, there are times when there is only one of us and many who are looking to us for guidance. In these situations, where responding to all bids could be challenging (or impossible), we can be proactive and design for moments of connection from the beginning. Even small practices can have a big impact.

For example, one of my favorite welcoming inclusion activities for kids and adults is what I call, "Kindness Conversations". I invite the group to "Share an act of kindness you have experienced recently (given, received, or observed)." Just 2-3 minutes of sharing the moral beauty of other people can create connections and change the vibe in the room. Over time, the impact grows. 

Note: Consider your scenario as well as the needs and size of your group when deciding whether to invite learners to take turns sharing out loud, use a digital chat, or break into small groups or pairs. If you’d like other ideas for creating connections, I’ve curated ideas here. 

Sometimes we crave attention from a specific person and sometimes we just need to feel seen, heard, known, and valued. When we proactively create opportunities for connection, we create a sense of community and an understanding that we are all in this together. Others will support us and offer connection even if a specific person can’t at a particular moment. 

Analyze Current and Potential Impact

Everyday moves are important and we can be even more intentional when we map our relationships to see the big picture of our impact. The goal is to make sure everyone knows that they matter to us and the community. 

A strategy I’ve used individually and with teams is what I call Connection Mapping for Positive Impact. This involves creating a visual representation of our connections with learners, staff, and families, identifying strong and weak links, and strategizing ways to strengthen our overall network. We can also make sure that every learner has a trusted adult on campus. By doing this, we ensure that no one feels overlooked and everyone experiences a sense of belonging and mattering.

Empower Others to Make Positive Bids: 

Bids for attention are a natural part of relationships and not something we are trying to reduce. However, we do want those bids to be made in healthy and productive ways. By modeling this behavior and encouraging transparency, we can express our need for connection openly rather than masking it. Improving how we manage our emotions, making positive bids, and advocating for ourselves constructively will serve us in every relationship we have in our lives. 

This is why it's crucial to prioritize social-emotional learning alongside academic excellence. When learners understand and manage their emotions and behaviors, we are less likely to see negative bids and it supports their academic success. By valuing social and emotional competencies, we help learners build resilience and interpersonal skills, ensuring they thrive socially, emotionally, and academically. This holistic approach nurtures well-rounded individuals who turn towards each other.

"Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity." —Simone Weil

There are so many things vying for our attention and what truly matters is the attention we give each other. When we cultivate connections, optimize our impact, and empower each other to "turn towards" these bids, we can truly transform our relationships and our learning communities.

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